The topic is Divine Mission -Possible, and Linda has asked participants to both invite another blogger to participate and answer the following questions:
~What have you incarnated to do or be?
~Describe your mission and your journey to achieve it
~Are you delighted to be here?
Since I know very few other bloggers well enough to extend a personal invitation (two, to be precise), I invite any readers of this blog post to participate. You can find all the details here.
For most of my life, I have believed that there was something I was supposed to do here on Earth. I just knew I had a Thing that was my Purpose. I couldn’t figure out what the Thing was, though, and it drove me to the brink of despair. I felt I was messing it up, not “getting it” fast enough, and I would miss my chance to fulfill my Purpose. There was such a sense of urgency about it, like I had to find it as soon as possible so I could get on to living it. But I had no idea what it was, my Thing, and I had no idea what to do with myself while I looked for it. It drove me crazy. In some ways, literally.
During the time I was recovering from my Last Suicidal Day, I had an epiphany that changed everything for me. In that in-between time before full wakefulness, when you’re warm, cozy, perfectly comfortable, drifting in and out of sleep, I realized what my belief in alternate lifetimes really meant for me: that every single version of myself existed, somewhere, doing every single Thing I had ever thought might be my purpose in this life. Somewhere, I was a concert pianist. Somewhere, I was a mother of 8 beautiful children. Somewhere, I was a famous and prolific writer, musician, painter, and sculptor. Somewhere, I was a dancer, a lawyer, a scientist. Every possibility I could think of already existed, with me fully living it, with all its ups, downs, sideways slides, joys, heartaches, and successes. Further, I could step into those lifetimes, if I just shifted my focus a tiny bit. In this state of half-wakefulness, I experimented with stepping into each of the lifetimes that called to me, feeling what it felt like to live that life, be that woman.
For the first time in my life, I understood that I was truly free to be and do whatever I wanted. I already was doing it! All the Things! Each version of myself was busy exploring all the possibilities, so all I had to do in THIS lifetime, on THIS timeline was just exactly whatever my heart called me to do. No pressure, just fun, experimentation, and following my own intuition. My Grand Purpose was to be Myself, fully, deeply, joyfully. To strip away what I had been taught and re-discover what I knew before everyone and everything outside myself began to interfere and add layers of beliefs that covered up who I truly was. My Purpose was to find the Me that lay at the center of those layers, and Be her.
That was a turning point for me. That was how I found my way out of the darkness – I followed the light of my own desire.
In the years since that epiphany, I have had so many moments of understanding with regards to this very topic. I’ve been learning to hear what I do truly want, and a life is emerging that is so satisfying, so beautiful, I often look at my husband and say, “Baby, we did such a good job designing this one. It’s just perfect.”
As with everything else in life, there are layers and facets to this understanding that have kept me fascinated and awestruck by the beauty and complexity of the patterns that keep repeating. That was an early epiphany: that patterns repeat. Everywhere. I began to look for them in my life, and uncovered how I had repeated relationship patterns. I started to unravel those. I noticed large patterns and tiny patterns. I sought them out. I discovered how very alike images of the Universe were to images of our brains when the synapses are firing. Both filled with millions of little stars. I began to believe that everything had consciousness, that we live in repeating pattern of living beings: the cells inside our bodies contained a Universe entire, just as we were the cells, the atoms, in some larger Being’s body that looked like the Universe to us from inside it. A beautiful, never-ending set of nesting dolls that grew and shrank in both directions.
With that understanding, I started to see that there were actually multiple purposes for my being here, incarnated at this time. To accomplish any of them, I had to become the most aligned version of myself. I began to think of it in terms of musical harmony because of my experience singing and performing in choirs, and I understood that I was a small part of a larger piece of music, but no less important because of that.
Have you sung in a choir, or heard one? Have you ever heard a performance in which one member of that choir was off-key? If the other singers are not strong enough to hold their own notes, very soon, everyone is off-key, just from one person’s mis-alignment. I used to be the person in my first soprano section that my teacher called the Anchor. I am a strong singer, able to hear the notes in my head and make them come out of my mouth in the correct time. I feel it in my whole body, rushing through, sometimes like a river, sometimes like a creek. I came to believe that a facet of my larger purpose was to do this on an energetic scale. Hold the note. Anchor the song. But I had to learn to hear it, I had to know what my notes were and be able to hear them in my head correctly, even when others were singing off-key all around me. If that is what a Lightworker is, then, yes, I am a Lightworker.
But, what did it look like for me to hear the song, hold the note? This was where it became necessary for me to become intimately familiar with what my own inner alignment sounded like and felt like. To be truly on key, I had to know what my own personal note sounded like. So, I set out to find it and hear it. That is the journey I am currently on. I am uncovering my truest self, so I can be the Anchor.
There are other purposes for me in this life. Second only to finding and holding my personal Note is being the balance for my Twin Soul, my husband. Together, we are finding a Harmony that is a powerful Anchor all in itself. We push and pull each other into alignment, into Harmony, with ourselves and with the Universe. We have incarnated many, many times together. There is so much more to share there, but that is s tory for another time.
I came here to be the mother of my beautiful daughter, to share with her a journey of learning, of discovery, about what it means to be who we are together, in relation to each other and to other women. Within that relationship, I have learned more about love and about myself than almost any other relationship.
I came here to be a writer and share my experiences with those who are still finding their way toward understanding, in the hopes that I can be for them the Anchor that they need to hear their own song.
I came here to be a friend, a stranger in the grocery store who compliments your hat, the co-worker who has a bad day and cries in front of her boss, the student who wants to know what you know, the teacher who wants you to know that you are loved, you are Divine, you are everything you ever needed or wanted to be.
And, finally, in spite of all the times I wasn’t, I am deeply and completely delighted to be here.