Divine Mission-Possible ~ Litebeing Chronicles Blog Challenge 2018

In October, I was invited by the incomparable Tania Marie to participate in my very first blog challenge, which is how I met Linda, of Litebeing Chronicles, the lovely hostess of this challenge.

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The topic is Divine Mission -Possible, and Linda has asked participants to both invite another blogger to participate and answer the following questions:
~What have you incarnated to do or be?
~Describe your mission and your journey to achieve it
~Are you delighted to be here?

Since I know very few other bloggers well enough to extend a personal invitation (two, to be precise), I invite any readers of this blog post to participate. You can find all the details here.

For most of my life, I have believed that there was something I was supposed to do here on Earth. I just knew I had a Thing that was my Purpose. I couldn’t figure out what the Thing was, though, and it drove me to the brink of despair. I felt I was messing it up, not “getting it” fast enough, and I would miss my chance to fulfill my Purpose. There was such a sense of urgency about it, like I had to find it as soon as possible so I could get on to living it. But I had no idea what it was, my Thing, and I had no idea what to do with myself while I looked for it. It drove me crazy. In some ways, literally.

During the time I was recovering from my Last Suicidal Day, I had an epiphany that changed everything for me. In that in-between time before full wakefulness, when you’re warm, cozy, perfectly comfortable, drifting in and out of sleep, I realized what my belief in alternate lifetimes really meant for me: that every single version of myself existed, somewhere, doing every single Thing I had ever thought might be my purpose in this life. Somewhere, I was a concert pianist. Somewhere, I was a mother of 8 beautiful children. Somewhere, I was a famous and prolific writer, musician, painter, and sculptor. Somewhere, I was a dancer, a lawyer, a scientist. Every possibility I could think of already existed, with me fully living it, with all its ups, downs, sideways slides, joys, heartaches, and successes. Further, I could step into those lifetimes, if I just shifted my focus a tiny bit. In this state of half-wakefulness, I experimented with stepping into each of the lifetimes that called to me, feeling what it felt like to live that life, be that woman.

For the first time in my life, I understood that I was truly free to be and do whatever I wanted. I already was doing it! All the Things! Each version of myself was busy exploring all the possibilities, so all I had to do in THIS lifetime, on THIS timeline was just exactly whatever my heart called me to do. No pressure, just fun, experimentation, and following my own intuition. My Grand Purpose was to be Myself, fully, deeply, joyfully. To strip away what I had been taught and re-discover what I knew before everyone and everything outside myself began to interfere and add layers of beliefs that covered up who I truly was. My Purpose was to find the Me that lay at the center of those layers, and Be her.

That was a turning point for me. That was how I found my way out of the darkness – I followed the light of my own desire.

In the years since that epiphany, I have had so many moments of understanding with regards to this very topic. I’ve been learning to hear what I do truly want, and a life is emerging that is so satisfying, so beautiful, I often look at my husband and say, “Baby, we did such a good job designing this one. It’s just perfect.”

As with everything else in life, there are layers and facets to this understanding that have kept me fascinated and awestruck by the beauty and complexity of the patterns that keep repeating. That was an early epiphany: that patterns repeat. Everywhere. I began to look for them in my life, and uncovered how I had repeated relationship patterns. I started to unravel those. I noticed large patterns and tiny patterns. I sought them out. I discovered how very alike images of the Universe were to images of our brains when the synapses are firing. Both filled with millions of little stars. I began to believe that everything had consciousness, that we live in repeating pattern of living beings: the cells inside our bodies contained a Universe entire, just as we were the cells, the atoms, in some larger Being’s body that looked like the Universe to us from inside it. A beautiful, never-ending set of nesting dolls that grew and shrank in both directions.

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With that understanding, I started to see that there were actually multiple purposes for my being here, incarnated at this time. To accomplish any of them, I had to become the most aligned version of myself. I began to think of it in terms of musical harmony because of my experience singing and performing in choirs, and I understood that I was a small part of a larger piece of music, but no less important because of that.

Have you sung in a choir, or heard one? Have you ever heard a performance in which one member of that choir was off-key? If the other singers are not strong enough to hold their own notes, very soon, everyone is off-key, just from one person’s mis-alignment. I used to be the person in my first soprano section that my teacher called the Anchor. I am a strong singer, able to hear the notes in my head and make them come out of my mouth in the correct time. I feel it in my whole body, rushing through, sometimes like a river, sometimes like a creek. I came to believe that a facet of my larger purpose was to do this on an energetic scale. Hold the note. Anchor the song. But I had to learn to hear it, I had to know what my notes were and be able to hear them in my head correctly, even when others were singing off-key all around me. If that is what a Lightworker is, then, yes, I am a Lightworker.

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But, what did it look like for me to hear the song, hold the note? This was where it became necessary for me to become intimately familiar with what my own inner alignment sounded like and felt like. To be truly on key, I had to know what my own personal note sounded like. So, I set out to find it and hear it. That is the journey I am currently on. I am uncovering my truest self, so I can be the Anchor.

There are other purposes for me in this life. Second only to finding and holding my personal Note is being the balance for my Twin Soul, my husband. Together, we are finding a Harmony that is a powerful Anchor all in itself. We push and pull each other into alignment, into Harmony, with ourselves and with the Universe. We have incarnated many, many times together. There is so much more to share there, but that is s tory for another time.

I came here to be the mother of my beautiful daughter, to share with her a journey of learning, of discovery, about what it means to be who we are together, in relation to each other and to other women. Within that relationship, I have learned more about love and about myself than almost any other relationship.

I came here to be a writer and share my experiences with those who are still finding their way toward understanding, in the hopes that I can be for them the Anchor that they need to hear their own song.

I came here to be a friend, a stranger in the grocery store who compliments your hat, the co-worker who has a bad day and cries in front of her boss, the student who wants to know what you know, the teacher who wants you to know that you are loved, you are Divine, you are everything you ever needed or wanted to be.

And, finally, in spite of all the times I wasn’t, I am deeply and completely delighted to be here.

 

 

 

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Practical Optimism

The Library of Luminous Enchantments

***Originally posted 11-2-2016, this showed up in my Facebook newsfeed today, and I thought it would be a great re-post, considering recent events. We really do create our own reality; it just seems that our shared reality could use some changes. I trust taht those are coming as we all individually change our perspective. ***

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, in life, you can see everything as a sign, or nothing as a sign.

When I was younger, I always hesitated to admit that I liked or disliked something, believed or disbelieved. Like most of us, I feared ridicule, ostracization, being labelled “uncool”. I was nebulous to others and to myself, undefined, simply a mirror of whatever stood before me.

There came a point, however, when I got tired of that. I couldn’t even remember what I had loved before I started to hide it all. I wasn’t sure anymore what…

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Human touch

I hope this beautiful share from my sweet friend, Dawn, will remind you of how powerful just simple hug can be. Hug your loved ones, your friends, pat hands, touch elbows and shoulders…we all need more gentle, kind human touch in our lives.

Deer Heart Reiki Blog

I visited a dear friend that’s in a nursing home. I usually go once a week. The last few times I’ve visited her I felt such empathy for her. She was asking if I had spoken to her daughter at all recently. I told her no I hadn’t. She then went on to tell me how lonely she was.

As she did I was petting her on her arm, her hands, her shoulder, the side of her face and top of her head. Her tears flowed down her face from deep within. She told me how much it meant to her to have me pet her. She spoke of how she wished her family would do that for her and how she felt like no one loved her. I dont know if that’s true of her family, I believe they love her, she doesn’t always remember.

The pain of loneliness…

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Choose Your Illusion

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Discovered on Pinterest- I couldn’t find an artist attribution for this piece, so I’m sending my thanks out energetically. 

Creating my own reality has been much on my mind lately. As I journey, the path before me gets clearer, as do all the immediate possible alternatives to my Now. I find the Golden Thread of my preferred life, and let it lead me safely through the Gate. 

Where does your Golden Thread lead you? Do you know the life you want?

 

The Last Suicidal Day: Five Years Later

October 13 marks the day I chose to fully live. This is the story of how I got there, and how I came back.

The first time I strode to the edge of the suicidal cliff, I was 5 years old. I stood in the kitchen of the tiny apartment I shared with my mom and sister, and put the point of a sharp bread knife in my belly button. I clearly recall thinking that I wanted it there so it would not slip out of place when I fell on top of it, only hurting me instead of killing me. My knowledge of anatomy at 5 was rather lacking, as you can tell, but my intention was clear: to leave the earth and never come back. I don’t clearly recall now whether my mother caught me with the knife to my belly or if she found me after I had put it down, but I do remember thinking that this plan had flaws and I needed to think about it further.

The desire to fly out of my body returned over and over throughout my life: at age 10, I prayed I would get a terminal illness; at 13, I pictured slashing my wrists with the razor blades from step-dad’s cabinet as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror; at 15, I imagined hiking out into the wilderness and lying down under a tree until I died from starvation or exposure; at 16, I met my first husband, and the feeling settled down to a dull but persistent ache until that marriage went south, and I thought I might actually end up institutionalized, if I wasn’t careful; all through my 20s, I ground through each day, the brightest moments coming when I spent time with my baby daughter.

Over and over I returned to this point. Over and over, I resisted because someone needed me – my mom, my sisters and brother, my daughter. My compulsion to leave was overridden time and again by my love for the people closest to me, who would never understand that I did not belong here, that I was not meant for this time and place. I hardly understood it, myself. There was just a deep, abiding sorrow and an intense feeling of being out of place, out of sync.

After my first marriage ended, I continued to spiral downward. I chose a relationship that reflected my need to control something, anything in my life. Predictably, it was difficult, unsatisfying, and ended badly. But, not before I found myself on the brink once again.

I was staying with my ex-sister-in-law and her family. Everyone was gone for the day, and I had called in to work. I couldn’t face it. My daughter was staying the week with her father. I sat on my bed and wrote a letter to the man I was seeing. I went to my ex-sister-in-law’s bathroom and got the bottle of pills she had in there. It looked like there was a lot left. I thought they would do the trick. So, I started one more letter, to my 6-year-old daughter, trying to explain, trying to think of all the things I might ever want to tell her, trying to make what I was about to do not traumatic for her. I believed she would be better off, she could live without feeling like she had to divide her loyalty between me and her dad, or, more to the point, between me and her new step-mom, the same woman who had been instrumental in the death of my marriage in the first place. I felt useless, worse than useless. I felt like I was a drain on the people who loved me. I felt like whatever I had come back to this damn planet to do was eluding me, I was failing, I was fucking it all up, I was wasting my life, wasting the talents, intelligence, compassion I had been gifted because I was too stupid to figure out what to do with it and time was running out.

I couldn’t finish the letter.

There was no way to explain to a 6-year-old why I had to kill myself; no way to make losing her mother in such a way not traumatic. This was my personal Witching Hour. The darkest Hour of my life.

I took a step toward the light, and checked myself in to a hospital to get some help. I found more than help, I found a lifeline in the form of the man who ran the hospital.

Unbeknownst to me, he had attempted to buy a gun the same weekend I was admitted to his hospital so he could take his own life. Turns out, I was his lifeline, too.

But there were still many hours of darkness to get through. Dawn was still a while away.

I continued to feel like I was wasting myself. I felt a deep sense of urgency and a deep sense that I was going to miss a vital deadline. My work life was not just deeply unfulfilling, it was a continual point of pain. My home life seemed in shambles, too. My ex-husband took my daughter away for what seemed to me no other reason than to remind me he still had some control over me. My new husband, the love of my life, my best friend, was slipping away from me, lost in his own labyrinth of despair and the process of undoing all he’d had to do to himself to survive before we met. We came together and bounced off each other like fireflies drawn to one another’s light only to find it hurt too much to look directly at it.

As October 13, 2013, approached, I felt the light in my life going out. By this point, I was almost 40, working a job that felt absolutely meaningless, my beloved daughter was 800 miles away and felt so much further, and my husband seemed equally far away in a completely different direction. I found myself, once again, at the cliff-edge of suicide. I left my job at lunch that day with the intention to drive at high speed into a tree I passed on my route to and from work.

But, at the last moment, a picture of my husband slid onto the floor of my car. I saw his face, and didn’t turn the wheel. Instead, I pulled into a parking lot and called him.

I went home that day, and sat on my couch. I knew this needed to be the last time I came to this point. I couldn’t handle spending the rest of my life in this back-and-forth dance between life and death. I knew I had to either kill myself, or fully commit to living here, on this planet, in this time and place. That day, I took suicide off the table.

Having fully committed to staying here, but still in incredible psychic pain, I began to explore my options for relief. Always a deeply spiritual person, I felt the path to joy might lie in getting to know myself better and connecting with the Spirit Guides I had always sensed, but not worked with in many, many years. I also knew that I needed to come into my body more, but that meant healing layers of pain left over from abuse, trauma, and atrophy.

I started off gently. I required of myself only that I sleep as much as I wanted and write in my journal every single day while I was recovering. Gradually, I added meditation and some form of movement. Mostly walking on my treadmill for about 10 minutes. And I told myself I could read as many self-help books as I wanted, but I had to do every single exercise the book had in it, to the best of my ability.

Slowly, I built my tolerance for joy in this way. I spent hours in meditation. I slept for 20 out of 24 hours. I bought and used oracle cards and tarot cards, not fully understanding them, but finding comfort, anyway. I wrote three pages in my journal every single day, based on the advice of Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, which I had bought years before. I began to find my way toward the light.

Five years later, I am astounded at how much I have changed. I have never considered suicide since that day. I took it off the table, and it has remained so. I couldn’t live in the half-light of existing between worlds, so I stepped fully into this one, and in doing so, brought the love of my life along with me. We both found our way out of the darkness of the Witching Hour, and into the sunlight of mid-morning.

These days, I am so deeply immersed in a reality I created for myself that I hardly remember what it was like to live in that darkness. My reality is filtered through lenses that I consciously choose, consistently changing out ones that push me back toward darkness for ones that pull me toward the light. In August of 2015, I was attuned to Reiki, and my growth accelerated to such a degree that, again, I hardly recognize the Self I was just those three short years ago. And the process keeps speeding up, leaving me with the feeling that my timing was perfect all along, even when I felt that I was missing the boat, missing the deadline, failing in my mission, whatever that turned out to be.

It turns out, my mission all along was just to be as much myself as I could.

What about you? If you’ve read this far, maybe you know what it feels like to stand on the cliff edge of suicide and look down. Share with me so we can celebrate each others’ lives.

With love -and hope,
Linette

 

 

To the brave women of America, with love

Beautiful post from Dr Sharon Blackie, full of hope and ferocity. These are difficult times for us, but we are not alone.

The Art of Enchantment

A month ago, I embarked on my first trip to America in eleven years, for a series of teaching and lecturing engagements. Those of you who are readers of my books will know that I lived in the USA for over five years, leaving at the end of 2001. And it was a strange thing, to think of being back after so long in a country which I once thought of as home – but which, over the years since I’d left, had become utterly incomprehensible to me.

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August Moon, and Serving

I find this post one of the most useful, beautiful, and powerful articles related to the Full Moon that I have read in a long time. I hope its gentleness speaks to you, too.

A Druid Way

In New England the Sturgeon Moon, as some Native Americans call it,  arrives this coming Sunday, the 26th of August, but early enough in the morning that many will observe it the previous evening.

IMG_1757 Rowan in the front yard, its berries ripening

OBOD Druids are encouraged to do monthly Peace Meditations on the full moon. I never have, which is odd, considering how largely the moon figured in my teens and twenties. For years I observed its phases and influence, absorbed what I could find about its significance in diverse cultures, wrote poems and songs to it, connected to Goddess through it. But a peace meditation?

You could say I absorbed the wrong things from Christianity: “Think not that I am come to bring peace on earth: I came not to bring peace, but a sword” (Matt 10:34). This has proved one of the most accurate of Christian prophecies. Though it’s not so much a prophecy as…

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All Things Solar Plexus Chakra…

A beautiful, clearly written piece on the Solar Plexus chakra and how and why to work with it.

Elysian Life Design

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What if I told you there was a spot within you where if you tapped into it, you could unlock courage, personal power and you could feel more worthy in your everyday life. We have all been there when we had a “gut” feeling about something and we knew it was going to be an issue. But, we did it anyway and then we wished we would have listened to our gut! That instinct and the key to unlocking the courage and personal power within you is called the Solar Plexus Chakra. We all have one. Even animals have one. But, most of us do not pay it any attention and we can go our whole lives that way. Until one day we open up to this energy source, and it changes our life.

 

What is a Chakra?

A chakra is an energy source that is within your various…

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Medical Intuitive and Personal Thoughts on Healthy Skin and High Vibe Living

Whether you have skin issues or not, this is a fascinating and enlightening interview with my friend, Laura Bruno. Follow the links to read her full interview with Becky Symes at Holistica-Skin.

Laura Bruno's Blog

Becky Symes at Holistica-Skin originally contacted me about my 2009 article “Healthy Skin: A Medical Intuitive Perspective.” She asked me to do a follow-up interview for her own blog and just published that here. The interview includes additional insights into skin, as well as my current and evolving skin and lifestyle practices.

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